Grandmama

Although Anna's walking has played a major role in my absence from the computer lately, she is not the only reason for my hiatus.

Last weekend my grandmother, Grandmama as she was known to me, and "Joycie" to my children, was taken to the hospital with what we finally discovered to be a brain bleed due to amyloid angiopathy, a complication of Alzheimer's disease. The following week became a blur as we spent endless hours in a hospital room at her side as she slipped away. She was finally released from the hospital on Tuesday and transported to a Hospice House where her three daughters, my cousin, and I held her hand as she passed away.

I have spent many hours in the dark the past several nights mulling over what I would write about her. Knowing this blog will someday serve as the only memories my children have of their great-grandmother, the task seems daunting. Because the truth is, even the most gifted writer couldn't put into words the amazing spirit that was my grandmother.

I want to tell my children all the things about her that I can't describe with words. The way her voice sounded when she sang silly songs to me in the bathtub. The way her fingernails barely touched my back as she tickled it until I fell asleep. The way her smile never waned, even for one second, when we begged for one more game of Red Light, Green Light.

The way she comforted me like only a mother or grandmother could do.

The way she gave of herself, like no one I have ever known.

There will never be another Grandmama. And although her mind had been slipping for years, her love and selflessness was always there, beneath the disease.

I can't bring her back for my children and I can't be what she was. But I will use the lessons she taught me to be the best mother and, perhaps someday, grandmother that I can be.

When the days get long and my patience runs thin, I will think of her, of how her smile never waivered, and I will smile. I will strive to be as patient, giving, selfless, and loving as my Grandmama was.

And she will look down on me and be proud of the mother she continues to help me become.